Not So Puritanical
by Arglefumph
Summary: Mary Anne thinks her father never engaged in certain adult activities in the ten years after his wife died. She is wrong. Richard and Sharon discuss some of his romantic exploits, as well as giving Mary Anne "The Talk".


Richard Spier sat down on his bed, next to his wife Sharon. "Phew!" he said.

"Tough day?" Sharon asked.

Richard chuckled. "More like an uncomfortable evening," he said. "Mary Anne just interviewed me for her autobiography project, and she would not stop asking me questions about her childhood! I had no idea she thought I was so...puritanical."

Sharon smiled. "You know, the fact that you use words like 'puritanical' is the reason you have a reputation as the stuffiest man in town," she said.

"A reputation our daughter fully believes, I would say," Richard said. "Judging from her questions, Mary Anne is under the delusion that I've been living under a vow of celibacy for the past ten years."

"So you _didn't_ tell her we had sex on the first date?" Sharon asked.

"And scar her forever? I think not," Richard said.

"I know you like to baby Mary Anne, but your little girl is growing up," Sharon said. "You can't hide the truth about sex from her, forever."

"Don't be ridiculous," Richard said. "I gave her 'The Talk' when she first started middle school. And again, when she started puberty. And again, when she started dating Logan."

"I should have known you're following a schedule for sex talks," Sharon said. "There's such a thing as being _too _organized, you know."

"Better she finds it out from me than from one of her friends, like Stacey or Claudia," Richard said.

Sharon paused for a moment. "Well, I guess I shouldn't judge what you do or don't say to Mary Anne," Sharon said. "I still haven't told Dawn what happened with me and Jack."

"He cheated on you with a woman half your age, so you divorced him," Richard said. "What's so hard to understand about that?"

"Yes, but I didn't _tell_ Dawn that was the reason for the divorce," Sharon said.

"I understand. I don't think I'll ever be able to tell Mary Anne about my affair with Elizabeth," Richard said.

"You never told _me_ about that," Sharon said. "Who's Elizabeth? Someone I know?"

"Elizabeth Thomas," Richard said.

_"Kristy Thomas' mother?!" _Sharon yelled. "You had an affair with a _married woman_?!"

"No! I apologize. 'Affair' was a poor choice of words," Richard said quickly, before his wife could get any more upset. "It was more like...I believe the kids call it a 'one night stand."

"_Like_ a one night stand?" Sharon asked, folding her arms across her chest.

"Oh, dear..." Richard sighed. He knew there was no way to get out of the situation, but to tell the truth. "It was...I don't know, six years ago? A few days after her husband walked out on her. She showed up on my doorstep, asking to talk. We had a drink together, and...when she made some overt moves towards me, I didn't resist."

"I can't believe you never told me about this!" Sharon said.

"She made me promise to keep it a secret!" Richard said. "The morning after, she said it was just a...a test or something. She wanted to prove to herself that she was still attractive to men, after Patrick left her. She said...it didn't mean anything at all."

The anger left Sharon's face. "She wanted rebound sex, to boost her self-esteem after being dumped," Sharon said. "Okay. That makes way more sense."

"What, did you honestly think I seduced my next door neighbor?" Richard asked.

"Someone as puritanical as you? No, _never_," Sharon said. "But I should probably mention that you miss out on a lot of things."

"Is this about Dee Pike making a pass at me, at last year's Fourth of July barbecue?" Richard said. "You _know_ I turned her down immediately! You saw the whole thing!"

"No, it's not that," Sharon said. "I mean that you haven't noticed our daughters are listening at the door."

"_What?!_" Richard shouted. "Dawn? Mary Anne? Are you there?"

A muffled squeak and a gasp came from the other side of the bedroom door, followed by the sound of running.

"I wonder how much they overheard," Richard said.

"Probably enough to traumatize them for life," Sharon said.

"Indeed," Richard said.


End file.
